This is my testimony I gave at church after I was saved. It is a little broken cause I only had some of it written... The rest was up to God...
Starting with my childhood, it wasn’t as bad as most but worse than some. There was no stability, lots of alcoholics and lots of drugs. We didn’t talk about GOD until someone was dying and after their death we were told, “They are no longer suffering and they are in a better place”. Something about that statement gave me comfort as I lost my Grandparents on my Mom’s side, the Grandparents on my Dad’s side, the Grandparents on my step Mom’s side, my Mom, my Step Mom, my uncle and friends. As I lost people I loved or lost siblings and other family members to drugs and alcohol, I hardened my heart. I quit letting people in. This included my husband, my kids, many of you and anyone and everyone else that tried to help or get close to me. I was not going to allow my heart to be broken. I believed if anyone broke my heart, I was giving them power over my life. No one but ME was going to have power over my life. Through the years I have relied heavily on just that, my way. Things had to be done the way I wanted them or I didn’t want anything to do with it. I was easily stressed and irritated all the time. Gil, my husband, tried his best to keep me stress free and to take on my burdens. He does and will do anything that anyone asks of him. I was still not happy. Many events occurred in my life that, in my mind, I had overcome. I had blocked out and forgotten, or so I thought. Some of those things to include being left by my mother when I was 16 and feeling abandoned/not wanted. Then there were the sexual abuse issues...... Something happened not too long ago that some of you are aware of that made every issue I ever had in my past come to the fore-front in my mind. The heart I thought could never be broken unless I allowed it to, was absolutely shattered. I was sinking. I didn’t know where to go, what to do or what to say. I was so hurt, angry and lost. Some days I could put on a happy face and just go through the motions but those were few and far between. My sister could see just how broken I was. She asked me to go to a camp called Tres Dias. She asked while I was sitting on my front porch in tears over all my problems and the issues I was trying to handle on my own. I know she wanted to just scream at me and tell me they were not my burdens to bear. She knew I would not have grasped that. Instead she asked me to attend Tres Dias. I was so torn, I don’t even remember what my response was. I think I just nodded my head yes. It was about 4 or 5 months before I had to go. I knew I could come up with something, as I always did in the past, to get out of it. I found out later that the power of prayer is more powerful than me. God did not ever let my mind have one negative thought. Actually he set it up to where I was ready and willing to go anywhere other than where I was. Gil had school and was gone all through Sept. just about, leaving me with the house, kids, work, different appointments, football games and just the rat race of life we all get caught up in. I was drained. Gil returned after 3 weeks of schooling in Arizona. I wasn’t even happy he was home cause I was so consumed being irritated that he was leaving again for another 3 to 4 days to attend his weekend at Tres Dias. By the time he returned I was physically and mentally drained. I was ready to get away. I didn’t care where, I just wanted to be gone. It was my turn to go to Tres Dias. OK, I can handle 3 days of whatever they have to throw at me. It can’t kill me, I will be away from all my responsibilities, and maybe, just maybe I would get something out of it. Little did I know what GOD had in store for me and I have been on a wild ride ever since.
Tres Dias is a crash course in Christianity. At Tres Dias we had a theme “Cracked Pots”. We had a scripture, “Create in me a clean heart, O’God and renew a steadfast spirit within me” Psalms 51:10. Our song was Sweetly Broken. We had many discussions. Some to include Mercy, Grace & Ideals. I learned that Piety + Study + Action = Life in Grace. We had CHAs. CHA stands for Christ’s Hands in Action. These individuals were amazing!! The love that flowed from each one of them poured over on all of us. I can’t give details because I don’t want to ruin it if any of you are ever given the gift of a Tres Dias weekend. They are just a remarkable example of humble servants. I heard Pastor’s speak about their cracked pots. They told us how they were Sweetly Broken. Terrible tragedies in their lives that we as humans on earth don’t forgive for. They forgave....(One was the story of a man's friend that ran over his 8 year old daughter and killed her). He picked his friend up for the funeral, he held his hand and said we will get through it together. My issues were no longer that big...
The weekend over all allowed me to shut out the world and get to know Christ and his purpose for us. No one on this earth is higher than anyone else. No matter how rich or what role you play in your job, nor is one sin greater than another in the eyes of God. Seek God and he will find you! Look to him and he will show you the way. Just like when I was asked to give this testimony and was scared. I opened the bible and read where my finger laid. It said, you have more understanding than all your teachers: Your testimony is our meditation. Ps. 119:99
I always felt I had to forgive myself. How could I act as God and forgive myself. It wasn’t my job but it is my job to forgive others and to love them no matter what just like God would do for me.
I don’t remember which message at Tres Dias it was that I said these exact words but on one of the messages given, this is what I got out of it….
Share God’s word, don’t have regrets. Give your troubles and worries to the Lord in order to have peace in your heart and use your blessings from GOD to bless others.
I concluded with….
I have been and always will be Sweetly Broken, but have peace, joy and love in my heart knowing that I have Wholly Surrendered.
This was not part of my testimony, but wanted to say that it is so exhausting trying to live up to “human’s expectations” only to be shot down time after time. It is such a relief to know that my short time on earth I only have to do God’s work and he will provide!! It is nice to know that I have no control! That was exhausting too. My ideals of how everyone should live their lives or do what I want them to do…Ugh…so so exhausting! I don’t have to do these things. It is not my call. Now knowing this….. not only knowing it but feeling it so deeply has given me such peace in my heart and I can actually feel what it is like to love again. I don’t expect everyone to understand. I don’t even understand but whatever it is he is doing inside of me…. I don’t want it to end.
If you read this and need to talk.... I can be found at West Bay in Dickinson. Please click on "site" above to go to our website and view our "Calendar of Events" for service times. Please know that you can and will be saved if that is what your heart desires! All my Love, God Bless!
Martha